Spoiler alert: They all suck.
1. Every day on a diet feels like a famine.
Chocolate? Nope. Bread? No way. French fries? Stop kidding yourself. Now go choke down a lean chicken breast and steamed broccoli while trying not to cry.
2. Actually, this diet sounds like a winner.
I'm not sure if this woman has a book deal yet, but if she doesn't get a call from Oprah to start her own product line, it'll be a travesty.
3. Aren't lobsters normally red?
I don't even think a pound of butter, a tub of tartar sauce, or a gallon of cocktail sauce is gonna make this vegetarian sea scorpion palatable.
4. This is just a cruel prank.
Sure, Cadbury Eggs — with that weird, gritty, yolk-like center and cavity-causing sweetness — can be a tad nasty, but not as nasty as this "diet-friendly" version.
5. Serving size: sad.
"Oh, you can eat anything you want on the diet I'm on!" Can you, Susan? Can you really? Because I feel like you're bulls******* me so I'll join your cult-like eating plan.
6. The dieting cycle is as round as your waist.
Don't waste a weekend stuck in a spiral of self-loathing because you polished off two tubs of Ben and Jerry's Cherry Garcia and washed it down with Mountain Dew.
7. Even the blender is against you.
If your small appliances turn on you when all you want to do is blend a fruit-filled smoothie...well, I don't know what other sign you're waiting for to tell you that it's time to throw in the towel.
8. Watch out for that "gluden."
If you haven't already heard, "gluden" is in everything, from baked goods to makeup, making it extra hard to avoid. Whether you're dieting or not, always look for the "gluden-free" label.
9. So we're calling it "gluten" now?
Make up your mind, people! But thank the good lord that no matter what it's being called these days, this water is free of it!
10. Whether it's your soul or your spirit...
A little part of you falls away into the abyss every time you say the sentence, "No thank you, I'll pass on dessert tonight."
11. If you can't get gluten-free water...
Make sure your water's at least vegetarian! Because that's apparently a thing! Are you trying to tell me I've been drinking meat water all this time? Because if so, that ain't right.
12. That's one way to go low carb.
Question though: How do you apply the cream cheese? Do you just spread it on your hand? Because I'm not opposed to that at all.
13. Do you want to be the kind of person who cheats on tacos?
But do you? What have delicious tacos stuffed with meat and cheese and salsa and sour cream ever done to you, you monster?!
14. Put down the carbs.
If you have any hope of ever seeing your abs again, you best kiss all refined carbohydrates goodbye forever. Or shove them all in an old phone booth. Whatever floats your grain-free boat.
15. But they come in berry and green apple now!
No matter how brightly colored and fruit flavored they are, Skittles don't count toward your recommended daily allowance of fruits...which is a dang shame.
16. You can have the perfect meal!
Just think how light and fit you'll feel after you finish a giant plate of this ideal health food! Sure, you'll be dead shortly thereafter, but you're gonna feel amazing in the meantime.