Sometimes, it’s hard to tell whether it was the celebrity or the marketer that had the bright idea of lending their name to a bottle of snake oil, but either way, the combination of fame and marketing has made some questionable bedfellows.
See if you can remember these totally insane celebrity products.
5. Gwyneth Paltrow Sells Vampire Repellent
Psychic Vampire Repellent, to be specific. And no, we’re not sure if the vampire just happens to be able to read minds or that it actually feeds off of victim’s thoughts, but either way, it’s pretty hilarious.
Paltrow started her own website selling herbal remedies and other new-age nonsense in 2008, and it has been wildly successful. So, successful, in fact, that it earned $1.5 million in its first year of operation. Now, it’s getting millions in venture capital funding despite the fact most of its products are described as pointless at best, and actually harmful at worst.
If you feel that psychic vampires are a problem in your neighborhood, then you too can protect yourself from “bad vibes” and “the people who may be causing them” by spending $28.00 plus shipping (free shipping on orders over $50).
4. Lady Gaga Sells Blood And Man Stuff Perfume
This should probably come as no surprise from the woman who decided to attend an awards ceremony wearing a dress made of meat, but Lady Gaga has a brand of perfume that’s made from blood and semen.
That’s right. Blood and semen.
To clarify, the perfume contains the same molecular structure of blood and semen. Specifically, Lady Gaga’s blood and an unknown male donor’s semen. The idea was to make the whole thing smell “like an expensive hooker” according to Gaga, but it ended up smelling like perfume. Which is probably better than the alternative.
3. Paris Hilton Sells Canned Prosecco
There’s bottled wine, which we all know and love. Then there’s box wine, which most considered to be a step-down, but really doesn’t have anything wrong with it. Then Paris Hilton lent her name (and body) to selling canned champagne, and it was just so unwholesome that France literally rebelled.
Well, not literally, but French winemakers were definitely up in arms after the famous Hilton heiress decided to start selling Rich Prosecco (the brand name of the canned sparkling wine) at her hotel chains. The whole thing was seen as tacky and a dilution of the fine art of winemaking. Which it was, but it was also a convenient way to make a wine cooler socially acceptable on a patio.
2. Hulk Hogan Sells Microwaveable Cheeseburgers
At one point America was so in love with The Hulkster that he started selling literally everything he could, but perhaps the most egregious offense in salesmanship was the Hulkster brand microwaveable cheeseburger.
As anyone who’s ever tried to reheat a day-old cheeseburger in the microwave can tell you, there’s a certain essence du burger that is lost 12 hours after it comes off the grill, and no amount of microwaving can fix that. These tasteless, nutritionless frozen patties betwixt two dehydrated buns were some of the saddest lunches an overworked single mom could ever provide.
At least it wasn’t as bad as Pastamania, his short-lived chain of Italian restaurants. Who knew that people don’t wanna buy pasta from a sketchy dude in tights?
1. Sylvester Stallone Sells High Protein Pudding
We know after an hour of pumping iron what we’re really after is not a thirst-quenching energy drink or a mountain of carbs, but a delectable cup of pudding. Mmm-mmm.
Why pudding? Nobody knows, not even Stallone. Why high protein? Because Stallone was an action star who worked out eight times per day. Ergo, protein pudding.
The guy even went on Larry King back in 2005 to try and convince him this was a good idea. He failed, spectacularly.
