Needless to say, the stories are mostly hilarious and painfully cringe-worthy. To all the guys out there, do take notes from these experiences so you can avoid making the same mistakes.
#1. So sorry to hear that…
In high school I walked into a classroom and a very attractive girl that was an acquaintance at most came up to me and said “djw, did you know that Rodrigo and I broke up?”
I said, “oh, sorry to hear that,” and went on my way.
Then I spent the rest of the day and night thinking about that. Why the hell would SHE tell me that? Why they hell would she tell ME that? Why was she smiling when she told me that?
The next time I saw her, I asked her what she was doing that weekend and she said, “nothing, do you want to go to a movie?” And that was the moment that I realized what was happening. And I wound up getting a date out of it.
And eventually, a family.
#2. What an obedient guy.
Girl kisses me in the dark in her bedroom at her birthday party. “You should leave before we do something stupid,” she whispers. I nod and leave.
#3. Let’s shower together!
I was living with my then-boyfriend a few years ago. Feeling a little flirtatious, I suggested we could take a shower together, you know, to save water, wink wink.
His response? “Why? We don’t pay for water.”
#4. 13 inches taller.
Can I say one I was oblivious to?
I was out of town, chatting to a girl at a bar. We figured out I was 13 inches taller than her. She said, “That’s funny, I’m going on a date with a guy who is 13 inches taller than me tomorrow. And I’ll probably f*ck him after.”
My response? “Well, that’s a weird coincidence!”
I didn’t figure it out until I was on a plane home.
#5. This guy knows his priorities.
Early interaction with my boyfriend-
Me: “That suit looks great on you. It would look better on the floor.”
Him: “That would wrinkle the suit.”
#6. Room in the tent.
“Hey, there’s room in my tent if you want to join me”
“Thanks, but I brought my own tent!”
And that’s the story of why my friends think I’m socially retarded
#7. Strawberry lip gloss.
Watching TV in my living room at roughly 2am, in the dark
Her: applying strawberry lip gloss.
Me: why are you putting on lip gloss?
Her: strawberry lip gloss tastes so nice.
Me: haha youre weird
Her: want to taste?
Me: nah I already know what it tastes like
Commence several years of late night self loathing and regret
#8. “Bought a vibrator for the nights you were away.”
One time I was texting my bf and told him that I bought a vibrator for the nights he was away at work or something rather. his exact response was, “oh cool, what colour?” I sent him a pic of it and he replied with “can you put it up your butt too?”. I sent him a text replying, “come over and find out” and he replied two minutes later, “nevermind, I just Googled it”
#9. This made me chuckle for minutes.
A few years ago I was working at my elementary school’s annual spring fling. That day I volunteered to be the school mascot(a big-ass bear costume) for the morning shift. It was a boring job of feeling like a pedophile the whole time because little kids would hug you constantly and be all over you. They were at just the perfect height for every kid’s face to be just in your crotch. It was nearing noon and my shift was soon to be over when a girl my age, 17, stole the bear head right from my own head and ran away with it. I wasn’t gonna pay for a damn bear head if she didn’t return it, so I ran after her and followed her into an empty classroom with the lights off and the shudders shut tightly. She said something like “oh looky here, mr papa bear, I’m holding your head, I’m a bad girl” I was pissed she took it and wasn’t thinking so I, being oblivious to her remark, took the head yelled “THE CHILDREN NEED ME” and stormed out.
#10. Insert facepalm here.
Girl: Are you going to that party?
Me: Yeah for a little bit. Probably gonna be boring.
Girl: Yeah…was thinking of just staying in.
Me: Probably a good plan.
Girl: So yeah…I’ll just be here tonight. Roommates are gone.
Me: Sounds nice; my roommates never leave.
Girl: Ok. So. I’ll be here all alone in my apartment. If the party sucks.
Me: Very good.
#11. Jeans not allowed.
I was staying the night at a female friend’s house. I had a huge crush on her and it was the first night sleeping in the same bed.
Her: Just so you know, jeans aren’t allowed in my bed. You have to take them off.
Me: Hahaha that’s a dumb rule keeps them on
That one still stings
#12. “Just tell me here…” UGH!
Girl: Mind if we go somewhere a little more quiet to talk?
Me: Its not that noisy in here, just tell me here.
I’m a certified dumbass.
#13. Girl used my shower and left the door wide open.
A girl once asked to use my shower, and left the door wide open as an invitation. So I thought I’d be a funny guy and throw ice cubes at her.
#14. At least he still got some action – after two movies!
I’m a guy, and a friend weaseled her way over to watch a movie at my place with me. I didn’t think too much of it.Advertising
We were happily watching a movie, then another. Me on my side of the couch, her on her side.
After the second movie, she just looked over at me and said out loud, “oh f*ck it”
At that point, she literally just jumped me.
and, as clever as I am, that’s the moment I realized she was interested in me… when she was on top of me removing her clothes.
I’m pretty quick sometimes.
#15. Kissing in the rain.
I’ve posted this before, but I had a huge crush on the girl who lived next door to me in high school. Was texting her one night, and she told me that she always wanted to be kissed in the rain. Some short time later she told me to meet her in her driveway and I said something along the lines of “What are you crazy?! It’s pouring outside!”
#16. Breaking news: She wants sex.
Her: Let’s hang out after school, nobody is going to be at my house
Me: Ok cool
Drive her home and hang out with her.
Her: Hey I have a finished attic I like to hang out in and watch movies
Me: Ok cool
Go in the attic where a couch, sheets on the floor, and a TV on a stand are chilling. Turn on some random movie and she proceeds to cuddle on me.
Her: So what do you want to do?
Me: Idk random chatter about movie
Her: My last boyfriend couldn’t last more than 2 minutes with me. No guy has actually.
Me: Oh I could do better than that
Her: Oh yeah?
Me: random chatter about movie
#17. “Let’s go upstairs and have some coffee.”
Ok. At 17 I met this girl and she said come over. Let’s hang out. It’s 2am. We hang out near her house. And at 3 am, she’s like. “Let’s go upstairs and have some coffee”
I said “no. I’m good. I’m tired. This was fun. Let’s do it again ok?” And just left. She never responded to me again.
At 31. I was in a diner with a few friends and they were talking about how we missed signals. I started to laugh and.. it hit me. Holy shit she wanted sex. God damn it.
#18. Be my test subject, maybe?
A girl once shyly approached me at a friend’s house and said, “So, I think I need to learn how to give blowjobs. I think I might just, you know, ask a male friend to be a, you know, a test subject. And give me feedback.” I said, “Huh, okay,” and then I played Settlers of Catan for four hours.
#19. Epic fail at seducing a guy by the pool.
Last summer I was doing my best to seduce who is my current boyfriend. We were going swimming at a friend’s house, and while they were changing into their bathing suits in the house, me and him make our way to the pool.
I take advantage of this moment to strip in front of him, as sensual as possible. (Bathing suit was underneath my clothes.)
He runs past me, full sprint, and cannonballs into the pool.
#20. What ‘games’ would you like to play with a girl?
In high school a girl I walked home with regularly asked me to go to her house to hang out. When we were sitting on her couch, she said that her parents wouldn’t be home for hours and asked if there were any ‘games’ that I’ve always wanted to play with a girl… My reply was “I dunno, maybe Tekken or something”.. So we played Tekken. On her couch. Alone. For two hours.