“Please don’t apologize. Apologizing is only going to make it worse. Please don’t make me console a naked man right now.” [Guy apologizes, insisting that this never happens, and that usually his penis is 12 inches long and made of poured concrete.] “Someone get me out of here.”
“Please stop trying to initiate graphic dirty talk about my body parts. There is no attractive word for ‘vagina,’ and I don’t want to call it the P word. Don’t make me say the P word.”
“Wait, does he really want me to say it’s big? When we both know it isn’t? I don’t want to be complicit in the lie, but I also can’t just be like ‘no I disagree.’ Why is he making me lie to both of us?”
“I am not looking in that mirror. Why does he want me to look in that mirror? He knows this is not my angle, first of all, and second of all do I really want to confront my own hallowed visage while I get hit from the back by a guy named Chad? This isn’t a moment in my life I want a photographic memory of.”
“Wait please don’t touch my stomach right now, it’s all puffy. We just had a huge dinner. Go touch my butt.” [Subtly guides his hand to your butt.] “Mmmmm.”
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“Is he trying to roll me on top of him? But I’m soooooo tiredddddd…”
[Guy pulls blanket over his head while going down on you] “Lol why is he doing that, that’s weird.” [Guy pulls blankets back and looks pleadingly/sexily into your eyes] “Omg no that’s worse get back in there”
“Wait, omg, it’s really big. Keep cool, don’t seem excited. He doesn’t need to get an ego about this, don’t want him working any less hard at it.”
“Damn, it is late as hell. Alright buddy, time to wrap things up. Time for some porn madlibs… Dick! Fuck! Fast! Hard! I want you to come…
all over the place? Wait please don’t though.”
“He is so good-looking… why is he doing this? I probably look like shit right now. Why didn’t I turn off the light before we came to bed? I look like a swamp monster and he looks like Brad Pitt circa Fight Club, I hate myself.”
“Not there…yes there. Yes. Oh my god yes, there…wait, why are you stopping? Oh my god, how do I tell you to go back?? Okay, it’s gone. Damnit.”
