Every married couple has the potential to experience bed death.
You still love and desire each other, but things happen, life gets in the way, one or both of you may be depressed or feel unattractive – there are dozens of reasons.
The point is that it can happen to any couple, and any couple can get past it.
You have to work together and you both have to want it, but if you're a married couple dealing with a debilitating case of bed death, I'm here to help you move past it.
Don't come up with a eulogy for your sex life just yet, okay?
1. Talk to Each Other
You have to talk to each other first. I know the subject can be a little embarrassing, even between married couples, but bringing the problem out into the open is crucial for getting past it.
2. Discuss Possible Causes
One of you might be stressed because of work. The kids could be wearing you out. There might be family issues brewing up behind the scenes. Your partner might not be happy with her/his body, or maybe you don't feel comfortable in your own skin.
3. Make Time for Real Communication
Communication is often the key to mind blowing sex, especially in a marriage. This isn't a repeat of the first two points. Here, I mean that you need to make time daily or weekly to really talk to each other. There's intimacy in sharing details about your feelings, your day, your hopes, your fears.
4. Put down Your Tech Toys
Often, bed death occurs because the two of you aren't engaged. It's easy to understand why – jobs, housework, bills, pets, kids, bills, money, bills. Married couples have lots of crap to worry about. With all of those things between you, you don't need anything else to distract you from each other. How can you engage with each other if you're on your phone or tablet all the time.
5. Make Dates to Unplug
For that reason, one of the first steps you need to take is unplug. Don't simply put down your phone. Step away from the TV, too. Don't take phone calls, don't answer text messages, don't compose emails. Be together.
6. Figure out How to Flirt Again
Why is it that so many married couples stop flirting with each other when they get married? I think we think we don't have to put in the effort anymore. We do, though.
7. Don't Forget the Compliments, Either
Compliments often go the way of flirting. Both things, however, can make you light up inside. You can make your partner light up, too. Let her/him know how you feel. Call your partner smart, sexy, beautiful, handsome, kind, sweet – something.
8. Go out on a Real Date
These dates are different from your casual unplugged dates. You need to make dates for the real thing – it's just the two of you, you talk, you flirt, you make eyes at each other all night.
9. Try Some Sexting
When you're apart, sext each other. Yes, I said it. You don't have to get raunchy, although you certainly can. It creates a build up of excitement – and you're putting in the effort. You're trying.
10. Have an Honest Talk about Your Fantasies
You can bring these into the bedroom. Sometimes, you just need a little extra spice. Have an honest heart-to-heart and describe the things you really fantasize about.
11. Take It out of the Bedroom
If you're in a rut or a dry spell, you may need to expand your horizons. Instead of keeping all your sexual activities in the bedroom, branch out a little. You don't have to have sex in public or anything, just experiment on the couch or, hell, even in the kitchen.
12. Try Something Other than Sex
Remember, there are all sorts of ways to get off. You can try toys. You can experiment with new techniques. If you're both open minded and you trust each other, this can get pretty intense.
13. Don't Compare Yourself to Other Couples
Ever. Just don't. You'll always feel like you're weird or wrong, when the truth is that most of the couples you know are probably experiencing many of the same things.
14. Don't Get Angry
You cannot get angry at each other because of this. It might be frustrating, but that's why you need to talk. Anger just increases the length of your dry spell and causes resentment. You don't want to hurt each other.
15. Respect Each Other's Feelings
There are so many reasons a person doesn't feel sexual. If you're going through something or your partner is, you have to be understanding. You can work through it, even if it takes time and patience, but you absolutely have to respect each other.
16. Stimulate Each Other
Stimulate each other's minds, bodies, and hearts. Do it with toys, with porn, or with other types of erotica.
17. Jump in with Both Feet
Sometimes you just have to end the dry spell with a splash. It might be the best way to break the spell.
Bed death happens, but it's not a death sentence.