1) An ex-housemate destroyed our kettle attempting to cook baked beans in it.
2) When lived in Japan, I didn’t understand some packaging, and made what I thought was a tuna mayo sandwich.
It was dog food.
3) When I was a kid my mom got a breadmaker for Christmas one year. We were really excited to make our first loaf of bread. Thing is, we accidentally used regular flour instead of bread flour. I’m not sure exactly what happened, but the bread came out badly wrong. The crust was so hard I sliced my thumb open on it. I repeat: The bread drew blood.
4) When I tried to boil eggs.
5) An ex once cooked me a big bowl of spaghetti bolognese only to have left the waxed paper on the beef. We didn’t notice until I took a big bite of paper.
6) I’ve literally caused a fire from making cereal. All of the counters were full, so I poured a bowl of cereal on my stove. I was feeling lazy and didn’t know if I wanted seconds, so I left the box on the element. I didn’t know my mom had just used the stove, so the element was still hot. The cardboard and plastic bag caught FIRE and I had to douse it with water while screaming. I wasn’t even a kid. This was when I was 16 years old.
7) When I tried to make a Cookie Monster cake.
8) My friend’s brother tried to make eggs on toast by cracking eggs into the toaster.
9) When I was in high school I was trying to make Kraft Mac and Cheese one time and I literally had to ask my mom if I boiled the water for 10 minutes or the macaroni.
10) I broiled [grilled] a chocolate cake once. I’m the family baker now, so I have no idea what happened. All I know is that at the appointed time, I opened the oven and the sudden inrush of fresh oxygen caused it to flashover. “Oh, no it on fire!!!” was all I could say.
11) I accidentally used powdered sugar instead of flour when I was trying to make birthday cupcakes.
12) The first time I ever made brownies by myself, I was about 8 years old or so, I accidentally put in 1/4 CUP of salt instead of 1/4 TEASPOON. That batch ended up down the sink.
13) When I was 8 or 9 I tried to make pancakes. I made the batter fine, but it was the cooking part that went horribly wrong because I didn’t realise I needed a pan to cook it in (I know, very stupid). I poured the batter directly directly on the stove. At first it was fine, then *WOOSH*, the pancake violently went into flames…
14) I blew up a cake once at my first job. I worked at a coffee shop/sandwich café, and I was responsible for making cakes. Turns out you can’t put a Pyrex glass pan on a hot stove. It sounded so much like a gun shot, people from the business next door ran over to make sure we hadn’t been robbed. The upshot of this story is it was the first thing I said to my now husband when we first met. He said he wanted to meet someone who can cook, because he could catch a bowl of cereal in fire. Who knew that a decade after my cake bomb it would be the icebreaker to my marriage?
15) One time I tried to cook chicken in the MOST FOOLPROOF WAY POSSIBLE and set the microwave on fire instead. Whoever allowed me take care of myself was very wrong.
16) I once read that you could turn the toaster sideways to make a grilled cheese. Long story short, the toaster set on fire and I didn’t know how to put it out so I threw it in the snow outside…
17) When I was like, 10, I attempted to make a frozen TV dinner. Turns out I read the conventional oven directions and microwaved it for 25 minutes. The meal was burnt to a crisp. I’ve never been able to live it down.
18) I tried to heat up food on a Hannah Montana birthday party plate. Didn’t realize the plate was decorated with flammable pieces. The plate BURST into flames and a lightning-like incidence happened inside the microwave. The fire kept growing so I had to put it out with the hose attached to the kitchen sink.
19) This pizza.
20) I forgot the oven mitt and grabbed the 450° oven rack barehanded when making pizza once. Burned lines into my hand that hurt so bad, I couldn’t sleep. Had to dangle one arm over the side of the bed with my hand in a bowl of ice water. Lesson learned – DO NOT COOK WHEN DRUNK.
21) The first time I made macaroni and cheese I forgot to drain the water. I just dumped the cheese in the pot. I cried a little afterwards.
22) My brother wanted a hard-boiled egg one time, so I told him to put it in water and microwave it. It blew the door off of my mom’s microwave.
23) I’ve burnt Easy Mac. Turns out the water goes in BEFORE you put the bowl in the microwave.
24) I was working as a teaching assistant in a culinary school and had to make a huge batch of icing to split between all the students. You know those pictures of people covered in flour from turning the mixer on too high? Try that with over 30 pounds of powdered sugar and a commercial mixer. I was covered from head to toe. It was a good example to the students of what not to do.
25) Baked a spaghetti squash without poking holes in it. It ended up exploding, busting the oven door and spewing squash from one end of the kitchen to the next.
26) I love to cook and I’m usually pretty good, but once I was making portobello mushroom soup and needed to thicken it and was going to use a little cornstarch. I put in 1/8 cup (to a gallon of soup) but it didn’t help, so I added some more. Turned out I had grabbed the wrong container and was adding confectioners’ sugar, not cornstarch. I still have not lived it down.