Office parties are usually a mixed back of unpredictability: tedious, festive, boring, scandalous, embarrassing, or even sometimes fun. Where else can you drink free booze and watch people ruin their careers or reputations in a single night?
In the interests of helping you navigate this night of eye-rolls and eggnog, here are a few tips on how to get through your holiday party this year:
- Don’t skip it
- Pre-game with comfort food. It might be a long night and you don’t want to be the first one looking inebriated
- Show up on time. Most seniors do. Hang out with them for the first half hour, and then keep your distance. No one likes a kiss ass
- Don’t check your work emails. No one is impressed
- Don’t act too excited about the open bar
- Men: Wear what your wore to the office. The guy who shows up in skinny jeans clearly has too much free time
- Women: Change into something elegant. And I’m sorry that you live in a sexist corporate world
- Don’t talk shop
- If your boss’s boss doesn’t already know your name, don’t waste your time talking to them
- Spread rumors about people you don’t like: “Danny’s made three trips to the bathroom stall in the last hour. That’s weird, right?”
- Don’t flirt or dance with junior staff at the main event. Wait until the after party
- If it comes up in conversation, of course Die Hard isn’t the greatest Christmas movie ever. Bad Santa is
- Get your adversaries as drunk as possible
- Hold your wine glass by the stem. And in your left hand
- Get the assistants drunk and gossiping. Dodgy expenses. Interoffice affairs. Bonus numbers. Headcount discussions. They know it all
- No social media. If you’re posting to Instagram or Snapchat, people won’t trust you
- Thank the person who organized the party logistics
- Put your card behind the bar at the after party. It makes you the designated leader
- Make sure your iPhone alarm clock is already set for the morning
- Always be first into the office the next day
- If you actually need a list of holiday party guidelines, go ahead and get wild and crazy. You’re probably going to get fired soon anyway
