21 rules for surviving your Wall Street holiday party

Tedious, festive, boring, scandalous, embarrassing, or fun?

Mixed back of unpredictability
The (not-so-festive) red cups have arrived at Starbucks. That means holiday season is already in full swing. That also means that the time-honored tradition of the holiday office party is just around the corner.

Office parties are usually a mixed back of unpredictability: tedious, festive, boring, scandalous, embarrassing, or even sometimes fun. Where else can you drink free booze and watch people ruin their careers or reputations in a single night?

In the interests of helping you navigate this night of eye-rolls and eggnog, here are a few tips on how to get through your holiday party this year:
  • Don’t skip it
  • Pre-game with comfort food. It might be a long night and you don’t want to be the first one looking inebriated
  • Show up on time. Most seniors do. Hang out with them for the first half hour, and then keep your distance. No one likes a kiss ass
  • Don’t check your work emails. No one is impressed
  • Don’t act too excited about the open bar
  • Men: Wear what your wore to the office. The guy who shows up in skinny jeans clearly has too much free time
  • Women: Change into something elegant. And I’m sorry that you live in a sexist corporate world
  • Don’t talk shop
  • If your boss’s boss doesn’t already know your name, don’t waste your time talking to them
  • Spread rumors about people you don’t like: “Danny’s made three trips to the bathroom stall in the last hour. That’s weird, right?”
  • Don’t flirt or dance with junior staff at the main event. Wait until the after party
  • If it comes up in conversation, of course Die Hard isn’t the greatest Christmas movie ever. Bad Santa is
  • Get your adversaries as drunk as possible
  • Hold your wine glass by the stem. And in your left hand
  • Get the assistants drunk and gossiping. Dodgy expenses. Interoffice affairs. Bonus numbers. Headcount discussions. They know it all
  • No social media. If you’re posting to Instagram or Snapchat, people won’t trust you
  • Thank the person who organized the party logistics
  • Put your card behind the bar at the after party. It makes you the designated leader
  • Make sure your iPhone alarm clock is already set for the morning
  • Always be first into the office the next day
  • If you actually need a list of holiday party guidelines, go ahead and get wild and crazy. You’re probably going to get fired soon anyway


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