You do things you never thought you'd do, such as hang out and pee while your partner's getting ready or occasionally use your boo's toothbrush.
You also start thinking strange thoughts – and that's okay.
It's more than okay, in fact – it's normal.
Your mileage may vary because these weird thoughts are my weird thoughts, so let me formally invite you to share your weird thoughts, too!
1. WHICH ONE OF US IS GOING TO DIE FIRST?
I wonder about this all the time. I think it will be Heather because she drives like a Masshole on PCP sometimes.
2. WHAT IF WE HAVE STUPID KIDS?
I worry about this, too, not because we're stupid – we're both terribly smart, ah thank you – but, well, one of us may or may not have a semi-stupid sibling.
3. IF WE SPLIT UP, WHO GETS THE DOGS?
I do. I get the dogs.
4. WHAT IF I LIKE OUR PETS BETTER THAN OUR CHILDREN?
This is a horrible thought to have, I know that, but my kid, at least, is practically guaranteed to be a little hellspawn from birth, whereas my dachshund is charming and funny and adorable and he's my best friend.
5. WHO'S GOING TO LOOK HOTTER WHEN WE'RE OLD?
Probably Heather, to be honest. I'm going to be an old lady with resting bitch face.
6. WHAT IF ONE OF US BECOMES INCONTINENT?
Do you love your partner enough to ride or die like this? Do I?! (Yes. Yes, I do … but, man, I hope that never happens.)
7. DO I HAVE TO LISTEN TO THE SAME STORIES FOREVER?
Answer: probably, yeah. At least until death do you part, or you break up, or whatever.
8. WOULD WE BOTH SURVIVE A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE?
This thought runs through my mind any time we watch anything that involves couples in crises. The Walking Dead, Grey's Anatomy, even The Dome. I do not think Heather would survive.
9. WOULD WE WIN THE AMAZING RACE?
Absolutely not. After years of consideration, I have come to the conclusion that we would bicker and argue the whole time. We would make for great TV, but we'd crash and burn long before the end.
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10. WILL I EVER GET USED TO THE SMELL OF HER/HIS FARTS?
I know, it's gross. It's a legitimate question, though. You get used to your own, you know. You can handle those.
11. THIS MIGHT BE THE LAST PERSON WHO WILL EVER SEE ME NAKED
I hope so. Hearts!
12. I WANT TO SMOTHER HER IN HER SLEEP
It's really okay if you have this thought sometimes. Just don't follow through with it. Because that would be wrong.
13. IS COVER-STEALING ADEQUATE GROUNDS FOR DIVORCE?
Apparently, it is not. I think that's a travesty of justice.
14. WHAT IF S/HE'S LEADING A DOUBLE LIFE?
She could be. What if she's not going to the office every morning after all? What if ...
15. WHAT IF WE'RE MR. AND MRS. SMITH AND I DON'T KNOW IT?
Oh, my god … what if Heather's a spy?!
16. WHAT IS SHE THINKING ABOUT WHEN SHE'S BUSY NOT LISTENING TO ME?
I still have not figured out the answer to this. What is she thinking? What is she hearing? Where do you go, Heather?
17. HOW DID I GET SO LUCKY?
Stockholm Syndrome.
