A letter to men with beards

We will never be able to look at a shaved face the same way again

Beard demands respect
Dear bearded man,

The first time I saw you, I wondered why I had been dating boys my whole life. You make me feel primal. You might be just twenty something, but your beard makes you years wiser and more mature than you actually are, simultaneously deceiving and arousing me. There’s something that makes us lust in a caveman sort of way. You are more man than boy, and this face fluff proves it. Something about that beard demands respect, and I want to give it to you. But something else about it says that it demands respect for the owner’s woman, and that makes me swoon.

You make men like harry styles laughable. If we break up with you, we will never be able to look at a shaved face the same way again. Where Leo Decaprio’s boyish charm in the “Titanic” used to be what tickled my fancy, now because of you I’m attracted to most of the cast in “Sons of Anarchy.” You look so sexy rocking the rough and rustic look, but in a suit, you have the presence of a diplomat, commanding the room and all of its attention.

But there are some hairy little speed-bumps along the way, that I forgive you for, in lieu of your angelic face fur. For instance, people will think that a little animal lives in your house. You bearded men shed a lot, so this is what us ladies get in exchange for the dreamy payoff. Actually, people might think a little animal lives in your beard because it so tenderly catches all the little drops and crumbs, that would otherwise fall on your lap and stain your jeans.

But because your beard enamors me so, I’ll always be your trusty helper, picking out and gently wiping away these little morsels as they fall. You will probably be embarrassed the first time I do this, but also find it endearing. The things your beard gets me to do. You’ll feel the same about me brushing your beard, which I’ll find to be a calming experience.

The first time you touch my body, I will feel nerve endings that I never even knew existed before. The first time I feel your beard tickle my thighs, and graze my belly as you give it soft kisses, I will feel like I’m about to explode, and wonder why I ever was with a man with a bare face.

I live for being woken up by that fuzzy nuzzle. It makes cuddling way more fun; I feel like I’m playing with a sexy and protective man, as well as a sweet fluffy puppy all at once. This combination is incomparable. Sometimes when you wake me up by rubbing your face in my back, mid-dream, I think a little golden retriever is hugging me from behind.

Beards are a much better accessory than scarves or earmuffs to keep me warm in the winter. When I come home from work after a journey through some bitter December snow, sticking my icy nose in it thaws my whole body immediately. Those who think just spooning alone is a good cure for the winter cold haven’t experienced the tingly warming effects of a beard, which sends shivers down your spine.

People don’t know what they’re talking about when they say beards are itchy. Clearly, those beards need to be a conditioned. But if your beard it well conditioned, it makes kisses more exhilarating, and not itchy at all. And sharing conditioner with you doesn’t make you seem more feminine. If anything, it enhances your manliness and the fact that you take care of yourself, and want to be silken and healthy for your lady.

You have presence, but at the same time, you make me feel like mine is just as important.

When we walk in the street, girls will be jealous of me, and men will envy you. But I’ll never act jealous with you. Because you and your beard make me feel safe. It creates something that makes you irresistible and smoldering, but also makes me feel completely protected.


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