7 Things No One Tells You About Having Your First Child

Pretty soon, these are just going to be facts of life

Get ready, expectant parents
1. You start craving the open road: Don’t be too surprised when you begin feeling the urge to pack your car with nothing more than a suitcase and a guitar, ready to see where that American highway takes you.

2. The doctor will ask you to give birth to him next: The polite response is simply “No, thank you.”

3. The more your child looks like Ken Burns, the more food Ken Burns will hunt and gather for them: This is just nature at work. Millions of years of evolution have programmed Ken Burns to expend his food-gathering energy proportionate to how much a child resembles him.

4. If you’re going to make a crib out of a plastic bag filled with towels to hang from a doorknob, put some holes in it: You probably already know this, but here’s a reminder.

5. Your baby will get the late-night yearnings for Spain: Just when you think your little one has settled down, she’s yowling in the dark because it’s that Spain-thinking time, and your baby’s mind is in Mallorca.

6. If you’ve had a first child before, this will actually be your second: You may be pumped to get having your first child right this time, but look out: It could be number two.

7. John Olerud hit .363 in 1993: No matter how many books about child care you read, not a single one will tell you that the Toronto Blue Jays first baseman led the American League in batting average 23 years ago.

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